Ruined

I say things, and then suddenly become paranoid that I've ruined my children forever. And then I google it because google is the oracle, and inevitably some amazing guru of child-rearing has at some point said that you should never ever never EVER say/allow/do whatever I just said/allowed/did. 

Alas, how my children suffer. 

If I give them a treat, they’re inevitably instructed to "Eat it all up." I'm just trying to prevent a mess (Huh?! How DARE you try to be convenient at the expense of your children?!), but then I’m struck by The Guilt. Here I am, teaching them that they must consume every last sweetly-sticky bite of their treats. They’ll become gluttons, I tell you! What will their first Halloween out of the house be like?

 No, those are lollypop sticks, not cigarettes. StrawBee  totally knows better!

I must prevent such a crisis. So I try to counteract the candy thing by telling the girls to eat healthy so they can keep growing and get tall. However, Ladybug has latched onto this "tall" thing, and now I'm certain she's going to spend the rest of her life worrying about being tall enough. And since short genes are all she’s got, this is either going to end in extensive surgery or stilettos. 

All the rage this summer.

I can’t have a child of mine growing up to be taller than me--*cough, hack*--excuse me, I meant; risking her health like that. So I told my beautiful girls that they are just that: Beautiful. Perfect in the way God made them. However they are, so long as their hearts are beautiful, they are beautiful. 

Did you know that children have selective hearing? 

“Beautiful” is all they got out of that one. 

Which led to this: 

Notice me NOT panicking here.

Way to keep it a non-issue, mom.

I thought I had at least 10 years before I heard this.

Lecture #321

She totally gets this, you know?

Because please beats paper, rock, AND scissors!

Eventually I thought to tell her that only grown up girls communicate with makeup. She, of course, retorted that she was grown up. I told her that when she was grown up to 14, THEN she could have makeup. 

She was delighted. And now she reminds me every day that when she’s 14 she gets makeup. 

Parenting: You just can’t win for losing. 

Monday Mantra

Fireworks make everything better.

And chocolate cake sure doesn't hurt.

And homemade ice cream.

And family you haven't seen in ages

And this is far too long for a mantra.

...Happy 4th!

Out of Context: II

Way back at the end of April, I created this post out of a conversation I had with my brother (if you haven’t read it yet, do. Otherwise what follows will make absolutely no sense, instead of okay-I-get-it-but-you-must’ve-been-dropped-on-your-head-as-a-baby sense). I know you’re all hanging onto the edge of your seats (and hold tight, as it’s a long drop) to know how the conversation ended. And because I love nothing more than pandering to others to get attention, here you go: 

Jay: Anyway, no.

What amazing trade show is happening in Las Vegas that you've probably never heard of?

Carolynn: Uh… "The AMAZING Trade Show That Carolynn Has Never Heard Of!"

Jay: I'm sure the internet would tell you if you asked.

But I'll give you a hint first.

N.A.B.

Carolynn: Hmm…. National… Arborist… Bacchanalia...

Ah, that was a good year.

Jay: I do like arborists, but they don't get me this excited.

Carolynn: National… American… Brainwashing...

On a positive note, drool makes a great skin softener.

Jay: Nope…another great organization, but not it.

Carolynn: National… Apple… Bath time...

Jay: Nope

Apples don't take baths silly...

Carolynn: They do if they're getting ready for bob-for-apples.

"Mr. Smith? The iLights are still on on your iCar. Can I use your iKey to turn them off?"

Jay: That's apples, not Apples.

This association is related to my job.

I keep thinking of joining.

Carolynn: National… Association… of BOOYA!!

You only wish you were this cool.

Recognition

Dad Up: Verb. The act of stepping up to relieve the woman who has mommed-up to the point of impending spontaneous combustion; the saving of a super hero; sheer awesomeness.  

Because being a man is only halfway there.

Monday Mantra

Even if I fail, the trying makes me stronger.